been awhile.
He’s on holiday now. for 5 days. boo hoo! yes it is. I am very lost…
oh well what’s new.
Last Monday had a fight. as usual. I was being a bitch. Just had to be angry at him, again for no apparent reason. I wanted to go out with him but he didn’t want to because of this. I cried like a baby. Really. Stamped my feet on the floor. Slapped the bed. Cried and cried while calling him. It lasted for a good 45 mintues! He even diverted my calls to my house! How persistent I was. He was really mad and he wanted me to realise my mistake.
What i did? I messaged him that i’ll be going to his house to apologise. I changed and asked (more like begged) my siblings for money. I wanted to take the cab. When we almost reach his place. I knew I did not had the money to pay up. So I told the uncle to stop me even though he said that he will drive me to the place. I insisted that he dropped me. I did not want to burden his and wasted his trip. (I’m always thinking of how people might think bad of me if i do something that was against the norm and I didn’t want the uncle to think otherwise.)
So I got down. My ezlink drying up. I looked for the bus that could take me to the interchange. Since I knew my ezlink was enough for that only. Found it and ride it. Didn’t know where to head to so I went around the mall. In the end and sat and think.
Wat was I thinking? How stupid I can get. How I can make rash decisions. How I can let myself down in situations that was foreign to me. How I can get emotional so darm easily. How I knew I was going to regret doing something but still continue. (so many things!) How I knew he wouldn’t be there to comfort me. How I was so tied down in this relationship (I’m engaged and have a house with him)
So much things that is so ADULT! Did i get involved too soon? Was I that insecured? That I agreed to be tied down so fast.
On a brighter note. We ended the night quite high. Not quite, to me.
There’s still a hole somewhere between
