Dear U,
Am i supposed to make it all better for you? I am capable of it. Throwing away all my feelings and emotions for things to stay fine. BUT i’m not that person. I am sensitive towards my feelings. I don’t trust people that easily. I don’t tell people about me. I DON’T.
I blame circumstances on it. I blame it on my bad experiences with telling people, opening up myself to what i felt. I was betrayed by my own feelings. There were times when i regretted saying things that I am not suppose to say to people. They don’t listen. Neither do they cared nor helped me felt better.
Since then, I started depending on myself. Depending on my own. Controlling my anger. Always am composed and always saying the right things to the right people. Been doing it 18 years since. I was fine, I was content, blissfully happy with the little things I had to face. Blissfully happy of my pathetic life, I would say.
I went where i wanted to, I skipped Saturdays school because i knew i can. Always have this high level of self-confidence in me. I played my own ‘game’. No one knew. At least to me, no one would care.
Then you came into my ‘contented pathetic’ life. I embraced the fact that no one should be alone to face the hardships that life have to offer. I embraced the ‘couplehood’ that was offered by you. Embraced the fact that someone actually cared for me, did wooed me for 7 months, liked me, loved me..
BUT novels, happy endings had long influenced me before you came. Believe it would ‘finally’ happened to me. NOW I know how foolish i can get sometimes. How ignorant then, now i knew that i had to wake up each morning to face different kinds of problems for one single day.
That unnecessary meet-up with you-know-who (in the message i sent in thursday) under the block with the colleague. That Just had to happen to ruin my mood, it did ruin my day and yours. UNFORTUNATELY you had to leave, leaving me with all my emotional traumas. I had to deal it on my own. MY OWN! You are trying to ask me to make it all better for you?
I am never good at handling my own set of problems. I always brushed that aside. I don’t try to deal with it. I know what i am, what i am capable of, my weakness, my strength. I am super sensitive to what i feel. The reason i don’t tell others. I am too afraid to be vulnerable. I want to change that. To tell you what i felt, all the time.
I did. I told you about the incident. What i felt (on thursday). I told myself. Why kept it inside? Its just going to make me mental, eventually. So i tell. And I was getting fine. I ‘entertained’ myself. You called i was on the phone with dad. You came home. I told you I had to watch. You understood. But you didn’t tell me that you are not ready to chat. You even asked me to tell you why i can’t wait for 15 minutes, even though you always ALWAYS waited patiently for me.
Funny when life gets back to you. Knock you hard on your head to make you realise that some loved ones do hold grudges towards you even though they are ‘suppose’ to love you first.
I can wait. You know i can. I have also been doing some waiting for you. But you had to say all that gives me a different perception towards your intention of waiting that day. To teach me.
I already had a bad day. Maybe i was hoping that you’ll make me feel all better after what i had to go through earlier. Maybe. Maybe i was hoping that by messaging you earlier about the incident would make you understand the state of mind and emotion that i am in that day. Maybe. Maybe messaging you was just a bad foolish idea of mine. Maybe. Maybe just keeping it first to myself seemed like a better idea NOW.
Maybe. Hoping. Maybe i was hoping that i can, able to tell you everything. Hoping you’ll understand how to deal with me. Guess that i have myself to blame for all this.
I have to depend myself with being me. Depend myself with my own emotions and not be vulnerable. I feel sad sometimes having you around but unable to tell you my real feelings. Its just so hard. Its even harder now.
I am sorry, love
