yesterday we had a long talk about me and my attitudes. i was really pissed-off at one point that i messaged ‘i hate you don’t call me anymore’. i don’t know what got into me to say such things. such cruel things to him. i guess i just can’t take the constant argument and my flare anymore that i burst. he kept scolding me to tell and i refused. Stubborn!
i cried and told him the truth about my flaring. he initially said that it was some sort a petty thing. then i told him that’s the reason why i didn’t tell him at first. because i know that’s what he’ll say.
there was something that he said that totally hit me. something about dying soon and ‘don’t come crying at my funeral’. that is totally unlike him to say such threats to me.
but today, it was kinda wierd. him. he was not excited when i mentioned the getting-married. he was quiet. last time he was the one to be chirpy about it, with all the plans and arrangements.
i told him if he changes his mind before or after the engagement do tell me so we could make other plans. he said ok. like ok? wah! what is this man?
am i hoping he’ll still marry me after those words i said to him yesterday? am i still hoping that he’ll forgive me and gives me a chance? am i still hoping that he’ll be the same person like before? am i still hoping for those things to happen despite my stubborness, my stupidity, my occasional flaring, my tantrums?? am i for real?
i screwed up! i fucking believe that i am screwed now! shit
he doesn’t deserve me. double shit
