So much for “…. I miss you..” June 17, 2009

Bah! I’m so upset now. What’s with work and him and everything! Sanity keep me normal can? Please… Sometimes it’s just so darm hard to feel angry all the time. I can’t sleep well and I can’t eat well. I barely eat now, appetite is deteriorating.. I’m gonna die soon with all the crap emotions. Shoo! Go away. I want to be happy like before. =(

DO GUYS mean what they say? It is so confusing to comprehend. I thought they are so direct as a nail. Always saying what they meant. Am i a fool to believe? I’m foolish. Ah. I knew it.

Saying what i want does not help, did it? NO! It did not. If you want to go, then just go ok. Don’t ask me as though I’m the one who’s making the decisions. IN THE END, you are the one who will chose to go or not. Don’t make me feel as though i’m a control-freak. When you are the one who’s afraid to take control! Believing I’ll be angry. If you know how to coax me  and assure me would I be like this (typing and venting out my anger)and not tell you want i’m feeling. The reason Y…………….

I feel so lonely. And y am i crying??? GOD HELP! Stop. I need to be in control of myself. What am i Becoming? Why am i so darm weak now???  Please…

————————————————————————————————

Relationship is so hard. I want mine to change. Changes can be done? I’m sure it can. For a start I need to change my attitude and control my emotions. I’m sure I can do this. I can’t be always angry whenever he does something. Can i?

Tertutup sudah pintu .. pintu hatiku
Yang pernah dibuka waktu hanya untukmu
Kini kau pergi dari hidupku
Kuharus relakanmu walau aku tak mau

Berjuta warna pelangi didalam hati
Sejenak luluh bergening menjauh pergi
Tak ada lagi cahaya suci
Semua nada beranjak aku terdiam sepi

Dengarlah matahariku suara tangisanku
Kubersedih kerna panah cinta menusuk jantungku
Ucapkan matahariku puisi tentang hidupku
Tentangku yang tak mampu menaklukan waktu

Berjuta warna pelangi di dalam hati
Sejenak luluh bergening menjauh pergi
Takada lagi cahaya suci
Semua nada beranjak aku terdiam sepi

Enough.

life so far… June 14, 2009

been awhile.

He’s on holiday now. for 5 days. boo hoo! yes it is. I am very lost…

oh well what’s new.

Last Monday had a fight. as usual. I was being a bitch. Just had to be angry at him, again for no apparent reason. I wanted to go out with him but he didn’t want to because of this. I cried like a baby. Really. Stamped my feet on the floor. Slapped the bed. Cried and cried while calling him. It lasted for a good 45 mintues! He even diverted my calls to my house! How persistent I was. He was really mad and he wanted me to realise my mistake.

What i did? I messaged him that i’ll be going to his house to apologise. I changed and asked (more like begged) my siblings for money. I wanted to take the cab. When we almost reach his place. I knew I did not had the money to pay up. So I told the uncle to stop me even though he said that he will drive me to the place. I insisted that he dropped me. I did not want to burden his and wasted his trip. (I’m always thinking of how people might think bad of me if i do something that was against the norm and I didn’t want the uncle to think otherwise.)

So I got down. My ezlink drying up. I looked for the bus that could take me to the interchange. Since I knew my ezlink was enough for that only. Found it and ride it. Didn’t know where to head to so I went around the mall. In the end and sat and think.

Wat was I thinking? How stupid I can get. How I can make rash decisions. How I can let myself down in situations that was foreign to me. How I can get emotional so darm easily. How I knew I was going to regret doing something but still continue. (so many things!) How I knew he wouldn’t be there to comfort me. How I was so tied down in this relationship (I’m engaged and have a house with him)

So much things that is so ADULT! Did i get involved too soon? Was I that insecured? That I agreed to be tied down so fast.

On a brighter note. We ended the night quite high. Not quite, to me.

There’s still a hole somewhere between

something big is coming my way… January 25, 2009

Yesterday, met up with the babes at suntec. The two ‘usual’ latecomers came late. So we had dinner at Pizza Hut. Then all the stories came out until i had a migraine taking all the informations in. So many and so juicy! Well N’s one was real and not fictional. So went to the fountain, to continue talking again. Had a long talk about what was up with me soon..

The thing is i am scared of the prospect of change. I’m such a freak!

my story October 18, 2008

Dear U,

Am i supposed to make it all better for you? I am capable of it. Throwing away all my feelings and emotions for things to stay fine. BUT i’m not that person. I am sensitive towards my feelings. I don’t trust people that easily. I don’t tell people about me. I DON’T.

I blame circumstances on it. I blame it on my bad experiences with telling people, opening up myself to what i felt. I was betrayed by my own feelings. There were times when i regretted saying things that I am not suppose to say to people. They don’t listen. Neither do they cared nor helped me felt better.

Since then, I started depending on myself. Depending on my own. Controlling my anger. Always am composed and always saying the right things to the right people. Been doing it 18 years since. I was fine, I was content, blissfully happy with the little things I had to face. Blissfully happy of my pathetic life, I would say.

I went where i wanted to, I skipped Saturdays school because i knew i can. Always have this high level of self-confidence in me. I played my own ‘game’. No one knew. At least to me, no one would care.

Then you came into my ‘contented pathetic’ life. I embraced the fact that no one should be alone to face the hardships that life have to offer. I embraced the ‘couplehood’ that was offered by you. Embraced the fact that someone actually cared for me, did wooed me for 7 months, liked me, loved me..

BUT novels, happy endings had long influenced me before you came. Believe it would ‘finally’ happened to me. NOW I know how foolish i can get sometimes. How ignorant then, now i knew that i had to wake up each morning to face different kinds of problems for one single day.

That unnecessary meet-up with you-know-who (in the message i sent in thursday) under the block with the colleague. That Just had to happen to ruin my mood, it did ruin my day and yours. UNFORTUNATELY you had to leave, leaving me with all my emotional traumas. I had to deal it on my own. MY OWN! You are trying to ask me to make it all better for you?

I am never good at handling my own set of problems. I always brushed that aside. I don’t try to deal with it. I know what i am, what i am capable of, my weakness, my strength. I am super sensitive to what i feel. The reason i don’t tell others. I am too afraid to be vulnerable. I want to change that. To tell you what i felt, all the time.

I did. I told you about the incident. What i felt (on thursday). I told myself. Why kept it inside? Its just going to make me mental, eventually. So i tell. And I was getting fine. I ‘entertained’ myself. You called i was on the phone with dad. You came home. I told you I had to watch. You understood. But you didn’t tell me that you are not ready to chat. You even asked me to tell you why i can’t wait for 15 minutes, even though you always ALWAYS waited patiently for me.

Funny when life gets back to you. Knock you hard on your head to make you realise that some loved ones do hold grudges towards you even though they are ‘suppose’ to love you first.

I can wait. You know i can. I have also been doing some waiting for you. But you had to say all that gives me a different perception towards your intention of waiting that day. To teach me.

I already had a bad day. Maybe i was hoping that you’ll make me feel all better after what i had to go through earlier. Maybe. Maybe i was hoping that by messaging you earlier about the incident would make you understand the state of mind and emotion that i am in that day. Maybe. Maybe messaging you was just a bad foolish idea of mine. Maybe. Maybe just keeping it first to myself seemed like a better idea NOW.

Maybe. Hoping. Maybe i was hoping that i can, able to tell you everything. Hoping you’ll understand how to deal with me. Guess that i have myself to blame for all this.


I have to depend myself with being me. Depend myself with my own emotions and not be vulnerable. I feel sad sometimes having you around but unable to tell you my real feelings. Its just so hard. Its even harder now.

I am sorry, love

today October 6, 2008

Today.

a promise to be more positive. looking at the bright side of life..

a promise to be more independent. being reliable to oneself that is myself..

a promise to love him more. appreciate the sacrifice that he made..

a promise to always try to be happy. don’t live by the rules.. let loose

a promise to compromise more. the gift of give and take.. we lose some we gain some..

and a promise to stay calm for whatever circumstances that may come.

insyallah

for happier fruitful me!!!

tomorrow? October 6, 2008

what am i supposed to act tomorrow?

play hard and show tantrums?

act as though it was all fine?

should i lie to myself everytime things go this way? its not good for the soul.

just a quick one October 6, 2008

look at the time people… that’s how late i am reaching home from celebrating this house-to-house visits. by the way i drove after one zillooonnn months…

the need to express my anger, wrath, frustration and sadness. i badly need a hug. a tight squeeze and i’ll feel safe again..

furthermore i am still waiting for him to message me. i should be hang! he’e already asleep WTH am i waiting for??!! told you i should be hang and killed for hoping toooooooo much. haiz

he can message me to inform me but… i don’t know what’s the reason behind all this. is ALLAH trying to show me something? is him trying to show me something??

i feel like crying. but it’s so frustrating when tears are not rolling down my cheeks. my heart is crying out LOUD inside. tears have been a part of my daily routine at night. tonight it choose to hold on, be strong.

is it so hard to message me. he had a choice. why let me go through all this pain? he knows what i am. did he chose not to message me? then he chose to hurt me.

how am i suppose to tell him that i am upset because of his actions? and later i have to hear all his rants about my perfection, my ways. HOW?

i never said that i was PERFECT! i told him before that i tend to hurt others intentionally. i am capable of it.

but hurting him is always the most regretful thing that i went through.

last friday, he said that he wanted to accompany me to take the car. but when i asked him the night before. he wasn’t sure if he could since he’s going out with his family. i was trying to be reasonable. seriously. i wasn’t angry. i even told him that it was fine that i take it alone.

but obviously i wasn’t totally fine. the least he could do was try. try to make me feel better. is that too much to ask for? am i too much?

sometimes i am not even sure how i lasted so long with him. he should have let me go long ago, so that he doesn’t suffer emotionally with a gf like me.

i am just so so angry at myself! i let myself fall and never wonder who’s gonna catch me. i let myself believe that love is beautiful always. my fantasy about love life. TOTAL CRAP!

no kisses no goodbyes today

Subdued (Part 1) September 27, 2008

yesterday we had a long talk about me and my attitudes. i was really pissed-off at one point that i messaged ‘i hate you don’t call me anymore’. i don’t know what got into me to say such things. such cruel things to him. i guess i just can’t take the constant argument and my flare anymore that i burst. he kept scolding me to tell and i refused. Stubborn!

i cried and told him the truth about my flaring. he initially said that it was some sort a petty thing. then i told him that’s the reason why i didn’t tell him at first. because i know that’s what he’ll say.

there was something that he said that totally hit me. something about dying soon and ‘don’t come crying at my funeral’. that is totally unlike him to say such threats to me.

but today, it was kinda wierd. him. he was not excited when i mentioned the getting-married. he was quiet. last time he was the one to be chirpy about it, with all the plans and arrangements.

i told him if he changes his mind before or after the engagement do tell me so we could make other plans. he said ok. like ok? wah! what is this man?

am i hoping he’ll still marry me after those words i said to him yesterday? am i still hoping that he’ll forgive me and gives me a chance? am i still hoping that he’ll be the same person like before? am i still hoping for those things to happen despite my stubborness, my stupidity, my occasional flaring, my tantrums?? am i for real?

i screwed up! i fucking believe that i am screwed now! shit

he doesn’t deserve me. double shit

My heart is in turmoil September 25, 2008

yesterday i was supposed to go to dear’s house for dinner. since i was hesitated to go because of some issue (not mentioning) i decided not to go. it was really a half-hearted decision because i’m supposed to go. i don’t want it to be an issue for his family. i don’t want it to be formal. i hate formality. i should just go, but i second guess that it wasn’t an ideal decision. its his family and i’m not related and am barely even close to them.

it was such a hard day to concentrate with school. i kept thinking if it was fine. it affected my class. i was in disarray. i contemplated on messsaging him. but knowing him he’ll just shrugged and let you live in denial. he’ll let me deal with my decision. be it right or wrong. then he’ll say that you decided on it. so i have to live with the fact not knowing if i did it right.

its so hard, occasionally, to have to argue about right versus wrong.

then the day ends with me at home. i was really half hoping that he’ll come to my house. but because its his brother’s birthday i had to sooth my heart from hoping. very irking! but yes. my heart is crying silently.

my heart hurts and i hurt him back by not calling him at night. i went straight to bed, very early. i’m sucha a bitch! i know.

i guess he knows i was hurt because that’s the usual routine i-am-angry-at-you.

my head is so screwed!

i just want a hug now!!!

I’m back! September 23, 2008

I dearly missed writing. Dear had been persuading me to write and share but I was toooo busy with school and work. BAh~

Here i am. Yet again.

Last week had been great. The class had been fine. I was just very uptight with expectations from the others. So stress, i tell you! The hangout with the bffs was awesome! More gossips and more secrets reveiled. Shhhh… Hahaha…

Will be back soon. Promise!